Dear Stomach Bug, Go the F*&K Away

Dear Stomach Bug,

We are done here.  Get the f*ck out of our house.  Seriously.

It was annoying when you interrupted my Saturday Matinee movie date with my husband by first making your appearance with my 2 year old.  That was real nice of you, a-hole.  We haven't been to the movies in maybe 6 years.  So just when we decide it's safe to go back in the water, you attack.  It's hard enough to get my husband to go see a movie.  So thanks for that. Oh, and did you know that the matinee costs $11.50?  What's up with that?  You are lucky we had a gift card.

Then you kept her up half of the night.  That, in turn, kept ME up half of the night.  Not cool. 

But the tricky little shit that you pulled last night was the worst.  I thought you were gone.  I thought you had your fun ruining our movie and screwing with my baby.  But noooooooo.  I started to feel sick after dinner.  I had a hunch that it was you.  So I thought I would go to bed and try to avoid you.  Then much to my surprise I was awoken an hour and a half later to the sound of my 4 year old gagging in my bed.  You are lucky I work out (okay, maybe not so much lately).  But you can bet your ass I picked her up and sprinted to the bathroom in record time.  And you were were nice enough to let me get her to the bathroom...but you couldn't wait until we got to the toilet, could you?  That clean up was fun.  I am still light headed from the bleach.

Just to top it off, you had to make the 7 year old sick enough for me to decide to keep her home from school but well enough for me to second guess that decision.

My hands resemble those of a 90 year old from washing and scrubbing.  I have spent countless hours cleaning and doing laundry.  And now my kids are watching Sponge Bob while I write this letter to you.  They have never watched it...but they are out there singing the damn theme song.  You have completely made me desperate and lowered my standards.  So be it.  It's only temporary.

I am over you, you nasty prick.  Please be on your way.


PS.  The next time you visit, you could at least make me sick enough to lose a few pounds.