When you have a child, suddenly your needs are secondary. There are some things that are really, really difficult. We do it anyway because we are parents.
My almost 2 year old has been having a rough time over the past few months when I leave her home with my husband or with a babysitter. And by "rough time", I mean bouts of crying and screaming until I return home to find her covered in sweat. Sometimes it is not the entire time I am gone. Sometimes she is fine until she asks for me and realizes I am not here. Then all hell breaks lose. My heart drops when I pull up and see her or, even worse, hear her screaming. It takes me a few minutes to calm her down and I just feel terrible. I feel terrible that she is so sad when I am gone. I feel terrible that I want and need a break...so I leave and make her feel this way. I feel terrible that I selfishly wonder when I will ever get time away without her getting so upset. And if it's just a phase, I feel terrible that I wish the time away so she will outgrow it.
Maybe it's the guilt that is the hardest part. The guilt you feel as a parent can be overwhelming. Like...did I cause this when I stopped teaching and chose to have a home daycare? She has never been with another caregiver on a regular basis. Did I do a disservice to her by being her primary caregiver morning, noon, and night...all day, everyday? But I did it with my 4 year old and she is just fine. I don't know.
Then if I go back to teaching next year, as I am planning on doing, will that be even worse? Will she hate preschool? Should I wait another year or just go for it and stop putting off the inevitable? Financially it makes sense for me to go back to teaching next year. But not much makes perfect sense when you are a parent. There is always the doubt or the worry that you might not be making the best decision. It's the guilt again.
You just want to do right by your children...and you have to hope that you are.
People say that time flies and that I will miss all of this when my children are older. And you know what? I am sure that I will. I really believe that. But I will remember that it was hard. It's so worth it...but it is the hardest job that I will ever have. Knowing that another person's little life is in your hands and it's up to you to not screw it up...yep, that is a tough job. But again, we are parents so we do it.
We are parents so we count down the seconds until bedtime because we need a break, and then when the kids are sleeping we sit and watch them. We listen to them breath. We touch their warm little cheeks and can't believe how much we could love these little people.
We are parents so we wish and hope and pray for the best for our children.
We are parents so we worry every single day about our children. We have fears that we have never had before...fears that we could not imagine.
We are parents so we know what it is like to love instantly and unconditionally.
This parenting thing is some hard, hard work.
But no one said it would be easy.
Great post .... My kids don't have any separation issues thankfully but I feel guilty all of the time. I think all moms do with each & every decision and choice we make. We just have to do the best that we can!!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy oldest had separation anxiety for a little while, but I insisted on still going out anyway. I would leave her with her dad. Her dad told me that she would lay by the door and cry the whole time I was gone. I would get back and tell her that I understood she was upset but she didn't need to act like that. I would always come back home. Thankfully, it was just a phase. She figured out, I suppose, that I really would come back every time or she didn't want me upset with her for acting that way. Either way, it quit eventually. I, too, felt guilty about wanting time away, but in my own way, I was forcing both her and her dad to BE with each other and rely on each other. It helped! Now, he's gone forever, and I'm thankful I forced them to spend some time together, even if she probably doesn't remember it.
ReplyDeleteGreat post...Parenting is the hardest job in the world and the best. I really don't miss the baby toddler years. It was so scary having them rely on us for everything. I enjoyed them more after they were old enough to tell us what was going on. Mine are both teenagers now and I still dont think that's as difficult as the first 2 years. By the way I went back to work with both kids when they were 8 weeks old, so I know the guilt thing. But they have survived,and yours will too
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