If you read the post, you will see that I think that both being a SAHM and a mom who works out of the home (I won't say "working mom", because aren't we all?) have their drawbacks. Both are hard. And both have good points as well. Being a SAHM might give you a little more flexibility to get things done, run errands, or even tend to sick children. But there is no break. However, a mom who works out of the home must still find time to get everything done and has to line up child care and all that fun stuff. You might get a break and adult interaction during the day, but it is not always easy. We all just do the best we can.
This post is not about that. I feel like moms should just back each other up. Even if you think someone has is easier than you, you just never know. You really don't.
What this post IS about...is people who believe it's a "choice". I don't really think it's a choice. We do what we do because of necessity. You know, like paying bills and a mortgage? Not having your car repossessed? All of that pesky necessary stuff that gets in the way and sometimes makes working a must for both parents.
Sometimes there is no choice.
If there was, there are many people who would not work. Like me, for example. I would LOVE to stay home with my kids until they were all in school. I would love to be able to volunteer in their classrooms. I would love to have playdates on a weekday or run errands on days other than the weekend when Target is ALWAYS packed.
On the other hand, if it was a choice then many SAHMs might go to work. They might choose to work out of the home because they long for some independence. Working might seem like a better option to them but they can't because of issues such as child care expenses or a spouse that has a job which prevents them from working.
Many people say that they "choose" to stay home because that was best for their family. That may be true, but the bottom line is that you could live without your income. That's what it comes down to. Others stay home to avoid paying for child care. That is definitely understandable. It is super expensive.
One mom once said that child care is not free, yet they stay home and that is what they do but they don't get paid. I read that and thought...wait, wait, wait, WHAT? Listen, I work out of my home and I have a home daycare. I do get paid for that. It is my job. BUT...when I am home on all of the other days with only my own children, that is NOT providing child care. That is called being a parent. Therefore, OF COURSE you don't get paid for it.
As you can see, unless you are independently wealthy (which I will be after I win the Powerball on Wednesday), there is no perfect option. And NO ONE will ever win the "mommy war".
It's time to wave the white flag. Then we can all go have a glass of wine together and complain about how bad we have it...when in fact, we know we have it pretty damn good.
I love this. It's the truth. I don't know how women who work do it all. And YOU run a daycare in your home? You're SuperWoman.
ReplyDeleteThank you! But I can assure you that I am no Super Woman. I complain most days (okay, everyday), my house is a mess, and I am usually a mess myself!
DeleteWell said, darlin'
ReplyDeleteThank you my dear!!!
DeleteKatie, spot on. My brain has been eroding over time, and I'm so eager to get back to work in some capacity. This is the first year all of my kids are in school full time. I've done the math, and it would cost more for me to work than it would for me to be home and allow my brain to continue eroding. So, I try to catch an episode of Jeopardy and sit tight for now. We simply cannot afford for me to go back to work in the conventional sense.
ReplyDeleteNow, a book deal? That's another story;-)
I know what you mean. My brain is eroding as well and I dream of itsy bitsy spiders being ran over by the wheels on the bus, if you get my drift. There is no simple solution ;( We do what we gotta do.
DeleteOh, and YOU most certainly deserve a book deal!!! I would be the first in line to buy it!
I would love to be able to work out of my home. To bring more money in and make it easier to pay bills, but the reality of things is the fact that I have a 2 month old. Child care is beyond outrageous (not that I trust random people with my son anyway). Almost all of the income I would bring in would go to paying for someone else to watch my son and whatever is left would pay for gas. It is impractical for me to go to work.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean! It's very hard...and there is no perfect solution. That's why when I had my 2nd I started the home daycare so I could work at home. It has served it's purpose.
DeleteWe are struggling big time financially with me staying home but there isn't much I can do, it doesn't make sense for me to work, I wouldn't make any money in fact between child care, gas and work clothes we would be in the negative even more then we are now.
ReplyDeleteI am so tired of the mommy wars, we just need to support each other, great post!
Thanks! I completely understand. A few years ago, I had to sit down and look at paying for 2 kids in child care vs having the home daycare but leaving behind my teaching job. I chose the latter but it is still hard at times!
DeleteLove u girl. Peace, love and more peace! Hugs, Cyn
ReplyDeleteA.D.D. Music Mamma
All very good points Katie! I was the "breadwinner" and earned more money, so it was important for me to keep working in order to pay for the house and the car and the food and the etc etc etc. If not for my mother-in-law who was, like you, an in-home daycare provider and could take care of our kids while we both worked, we never could have afforded it.
ReplyDeleteThis is great! I work out of the home because it is our only option. My husband is a PhD student and we are lucky that he even has an income from that! Since he is barely home and I'm left taking care of everything in the home, it would be best if I could stay home while he focuses on school, but financially that is not really an option. And I am soooo thankful for Head Start because it is really the only thing we can afford! As long as you are doing what is best for YOUR family, I respect you as a mother.
ReplyDeleteThe Mommy Wars. Yes indeedy. I wrote a post about why it's easier to go to work, meaning I think it is super difficult to be at home all day with little kids. It was on a site which thrives on controversy (meaning if you're a blogger and want to stir up s--t you will get paid more - if you can take the abuse). I have done both, and while I get that a working mom has to cram everything (family time, errands, etc) into weekends and evenings, I still feel more alive when I work. I am lucky that I work part-time however.
ReplyDeleteThat said I don't judge anyone's choice and/or need to work or not. We do what we must.
I was a single mom for 4 years. I had to work, I felt like I missed out on a lot of things with my kids and, in top of that, I had to do all the mom stuff when I got home from work.
ReplyDeleteThen, 4 years ago, I got married and became a stay at home mom. I don't have to kill myself to get the house clean, I'm able to be available to my kids, but I feel like I never get any time to myself.
Whether you work or not, like you said, being a Mom is hard and a job all on it's own. Rather than tear everyone down, why not lift them up and show support. I never understood the whole "I do this so I'm better than you" mentality. At the end of the day, the most important hat we were is that of being a Mom.
Excellent points Katie! My husband and I worked opposite shifts so we never had to rely on having someone watch our girls for us. But by that same token, my house was (and still IS) rarely clean and things always get put off until we 'find the time'. What works for some doesn't always work for others. You've hit it perfectly! Now I want wine. :)
ReplyDeleteI so wish I could work. I did until we moved 300 miles away and my free child care (MIL aka Nanny) was no longer available. I miss working, but child care is so darn expensive it's not even worth it. I 100% agree with everything you are saying.
ReplyDelete