Give Me 5 for Friday: Dear Teenage Me...

There are so many sayings...

Hindsight is 20/20.

If I knew then what I know now.

I would go back and do it all again.

Really, how cool would it be?  To know what you know now and to be able to go back and do it all again.  Would you do it?  Would you change anything?

Let me say right now that I enjoyed my teenage years.  I liked high school.  It wasn't some horrible experience at all.  I had many friends then that I still keep in touch with today.  I played sports.  I got good grades.  I really had a good run for those 4 years. 

But there are some things that I might want to tweak a bit.  There are many things that I wish I could have told my teenage self...that would have made those years all the better. 

I decided to write a little letter to myself...in case time travel ever becomes possible.  You never know.

So here are 5 things I would like to tell teenage me.

Dear Teenage Me,

First, don't cut bangs.  Even if you think it might be a good idea...don't.  Trust me on this one. 

Second, embrace your hair.  Use some product and try to find the right ones.  Hair Gel is not a good option for you.

Third, I know it sucks wearing two to three sports bras when you play field hockey and lacrosse, but don't sweat it.  It will get better.  People won't always refer to you as "the girl with the curly hair and big boobs".  In a few short years you will have a breast reduction...and even after you have children, you will still be in pretty good shape in that region.  Everywhere else will be a hot mess, but the surgery will hold up well so take comfort in that one little fact.

Fourth, rock that vanity tag on your Saturn that says "IMKT" with pride.  You will laugh about it for years and years. 

Finally, if you don't quite trust a friend, follow your gut.  Don't tell her shit that you don't want people to know.  But if you do, make sure you also have some leverage...a little inside info, if you know what I mean. 



PS.  And one more thing...when you find a red sequined, turtleneck style prom dress, keep looking.  It is not as fabulous as you think it is. 

8 years ago today, I became a mom.

It was a Monday.  The day after Mother's Day.  I had hoped she would arrive on Mother's Day...just because I thought it would be cool. 

And I was huge.  And I was anxious.  And I wanted to get the show on the road.

I was scheduled to be induced that Monday (because again, I was HUGE...and the doctor had me petrified was concerned that I wouldn't be able to deliver such a large baby if we didn't induce). 

It was a long day.  Within hours I was 8 cm.  My doctor was convinced it would be smooth sailing.

I never got past 8 cm.  Her giant delicate little baby head was stuck.

Finally my doctor said, "Are you over this?"

After 15 hours, I was over it.  So we threw in the towel...although I am not sure having a c-section is "throwing in the towel".

After about 30 minutes, we met our first born...our first daughter.  (The first of 3 girls?!  We NEVER would have expected that.)

She was perfect.  I know parents say that...or have to say it.  But she really was perfect.  Her head was perfect, her skin was perfect.  She was perfect.

That feels like so long ago...but also like it was just yesterday.

I have learned so much in these past 8 years. 

I have learned to put someone's needs in front of my own.  I have learned to be patient, when it seems like it is impossible.  I have learned to let things go.  I have learned that I don't know everything...and that it's okay to mess up sometimes.  I have learned what is truly important in life.  I have learned what it is like to love another human being more than words can describe.

I have learned what it means to be a mother.

And I'm still learning.

5/9/05

Give Me 5 for Friday: Carnivals are Pure Evil

Unless you can sit in the beer tent all night, carnivals suck.  There, I said it. 

I'm not some party pooper who doesn't want my kids to have a good time.  I LOVE when my kids are having fun. 

I guess they had some fun at our church carnival this week...it was just hard to see the fun through the tears, tantrums, and dollar bills steadily leaving my wallet. 

Here's the deal.  When you take your kids to the carnival, you just have to be mentally prepared for torture.  If you know it is going to take every ounce of your patience to get through it, maybe you can save up your strength through the day and be armed and ready to go.

Here are 5 reasons why carnivals are evil:

1.  Height restrictions.
I understand that there have to be height restrictions for rides to keep kids safe.  But it's super cool when the guy operating the ride has a homemade PVC pipe height limit thingamagiggy and they stand at the entrance of the line turning away kids that have already been waiting for a bit.  It is even cooler when your 4 year old waits in the line for the only ride she has talked about going on and gets turned away at the gate because she didn't make the cut and then she sits on the ground and cries.  SUPER AWESOME and SO FUN.

2.  Rides that have been in use for about 30 years.
You know that some of those carnival rides are the same ones you rode when you were 12.  Come on.  Like the Zipper?  That ride was making noises that came straight from the pits of hell.  I was totally waiting for one of the cages to open and send kids plummeting 2 stories to the ground.

The Zipper, clearly the same ride in 2013 as the one at my 8th grade school carnival in 1992.

3.   "Mom, you will have to go on this one with her."
Those are the words that I heard when my 4 year old was too short for the "Extreme".  So of course I got on.  Let me say, I am too old for that shit.  Although I LOVE rides (the bigger, the better), I don't like rides that whip you in circles around rusted axles that make you feel like you most certainly will be thrown into the crowd of carnival-goers.  I am TOO OLD for that shit.  I know too much.  I have seen the news.  I could imagine the headlines...

"Ride Malfunctions and throws Mom and 3 young girls into crowd of carnival-goers.  Many injured.  Authorities say ride had not been inspected since 1986."

The "Extreme"...better known as The Sizzler back in my day.

4.  "Reasonably" priced games and concessions.
Can you sense the sarcasm here? 
Honestly, I didn't have a problem spending some money because it was a carnival for our church.  My husband volunteered to work a night there and I made cookies for the bake sale.  I know that the church depends on this carnival to raise money.  I know that.  But I dropped $40 in two nights on ride tickets, over $20 on food, and more spent on raffles and games.  It's cool though.  My kids will be eating hot dogs and ramen noodles all next week for dinner. 

5.  Not a crowd pleaser.
Although the kids had fun at certain times of the night...there were many times when one or more were unhappy.  The big kids went on a ride, the 2 year old screamed.  The big kids went on the fun house, the 4 year old made it halfway through and started crying at the bridge because she thought it was going to break (I don't blame her).  She hauled ass all the way back to the entrance...which included going UP the slide and DOWN the rope wall.  Pretty impressive.  The older girls wanted snow cones, the 2 year old wanted funnel cake.  It turns out, apparently she thought she was getting birthday cake...because when she saw the funnel cake, saying was disappointed would be an understatement. 

Again, friends, I am NOT a party pooper.  I love rides.  I love the boardwalk at the beach.  We have taken the kids to Disney World 4 times.  It is just my personal opinion that carnivals are evil. 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 


Disclaimer:  My kids are not some little spoiled brats that have tantrums in public when I don't indulge their every wish.  Alrighty?  So don't even go there.  The carnival brings it out in them, I swear.  That's why it's evil.  Oh, and I am also just trying to vent and have a laugh about it. 

10 Reasons Why I Want to Borrow a Newborn

I mentioned this morning on my facebook page that I wanted to borrow a newborn for the day.  I'm not going to go all crazy and like, keep it or anything.  Because those things grow up super fast and the next thing you know they are throwing themselves on the floor of Target because they want a $34.99 Lalaloopsy doll (and spilling their Icee all over the doll aisle).  So, I promise I'll give it back.  TRUST ME.

But I need a fresh newborn...preferably under 1 month old.

Why?  Why would I want this?

Well, I think most people decide they want another baby because they truly want more children.  But every now and then people who are done, people who can't handle much more on their plate, have these smalls pangs of "I want a newborn again".  They want a NEWBORN.  Not a child.  Just a newborn. 

That's me.  I don't want to do the whole thing again.  I can't handle another mouth to feed or another mouth that whines.

I just want it for a day.

Here's why:

1.  So I can sit and hold it, and smell it, and kiss it, and squeeze it's little legs all day...and that is all I will be expected to do.

2.  I will be able to do #1 ALL day because people will offer to take my other kids.  That's right.  Offer to do it...like volunteer. 

3.  People will bring me meals.  Just one day with a newborn will score me casseroles for a week.

4.  People will also bring me treats...like fresh baked cakes and homemade cookies.

5.  I will be able to eat all of it too because of course I will need to keep my energy up for the baby.  If I even mention starting that post-baby diet, people will say "You are CRAZY.  You have a newborn...Eat up!"

6.  Being a hot mess will be acceptable.  The house is a mess, bills are unpaid, and the kids clothes are all dirty.  OF COURSE they are.  I have a newborn.

7.  People will volunteer to watch my other children.  I know I said that in #2.  But it deserves to be repeated.

8.  Someone might offer to take some of this laundry off of my hands.  I only have 87 loads to do.  (And I am NOT exaggerating.)

9.  Everyone will want to how I feel.  Have you ever noticed that when you are pregnant or when you have just had a baby, everyone wants to know how your are feeling and doing?  Then a few weeks after giving birth, it ends.  Just like that. 

10.  People will volunteer to watch my other children.  (I couldn't think of a 10th reason and I really think this could be the sole reason for wanting a newborn for the day anyway.)

So if you have a newborn that fits my requirements:

• under 6 weeks of age
• not too fussy
• enjoys getting their legs and double chins pinched
• still has that newborn smell

I would be happy to take the baby off of your hands for the day.  You can retrieve your newborn around 8 pm, right after my kids have been returned all bathed and ready for bed and after I have polished off a delicious casserole and washed down my Percocet with a glass of Pinot Grigio.

I look forward to hearing from you.

True Friends Tell You It's Okay to Spend Your Kids' Savings.

Lately I have been thinking about friendship.  True friendship.  I will be 35 in less than 2 months and I have many friends that I have known for well over half of my life.  I have known my best friends for about 28 years.  Crazy.

But what does it mean to be "friends" with someone?  Sure, you can have many acquaintances that you see out and you shoot the shit with them, catching up and chatting.  But friends, your TRUE bestest of the best friends, are usually few and far between.

I think that is because to be a true friend means many things.   

Here is what I think it means:

Caring about someone and truly wanting the best for them.  That means if they get a raise, a new house, or a great new job, you are so very happy for them.  You are not jealous.  Well, you can be a little jealous...but not in a spiteful way.  More in like a "Damn, she has 5 1/2 bathrooms and we only have 1 with 3 girls and that's gonna be a nightmare" kind of way.

Being honest.  Not brutally honest like, "Your ass looks so big in those pants".  But honest like, "Shit, the cable got turned off this morning and I have no clue how I am going to pay for that" or "Maybe you did overreact a little...you spaz" or "Stop bringing me all of these sweets, you skinny be-otch".

Being each other's "people".  Think about if something good, bad, horrible, funny, or wonderful happened.  Who would you call?  Who would you want to tell?  Those are your people.

Knowing what is going on with each other.  Not only knowing what is happening in each other's lives, but asking about it. 

Offering support.  Whether is be helping out with the kids or being an outlet and listening.  Just being supportive is so important.  True friends try to lighten each other's load. 

Not judging.  You can tell a true friend that you dipped in the kids' savings for vacay or that your 2 year old wore the same outfit all weekend and they will make you feel like it is perfectly acceptable.  And they will mean it.

True friends stand the test of time and pick up right where they left off.  They trust can each other, with secrets or a favorite pair of shoes.  They can laugh with each other and cry with each other...and they can laugh at each other, but in that harmless way that only real friends can.  They can pick up the phone and call at any time of the day or night.  They can text each other pictures of a strange rash and ask for a totally unqualified diagnosis.

If you have true friends in your life, you are lucky.  You are blessed.

There are so many times in life when you find out who your friends are...


Tracy Lawrence, "You Find Out Who Your Friends Are"

One of my favorite songs.  And to my friends reading this...you know who you are.