Saturday, December 21, 2013

Rudolph, the True Hollywood Story.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a wholesome children's Christmas classic...right?


It's actually quite the opposite.  Watching Rudolph to get you into the Christmas spirit would be equivalent to going trick or treating at Michael Meyers' house or going to Walmart on Black Friday.  Bad idea.

I have talked about this movie briefly in the past...but I strongly felt like it needed a little more attention, especially when I watched it the other day with a 5th grade class at school.  Within the first few minutes I began to take notes on the horrors I saw.

So where should I begin?

Hmm, let's start with the elves.  As Frosty the narrator introduces the audience to Santa's little helpers, our cheery and always helpful impression of what elves should be is shattered into a million pieces (much like the snow globe that my kids broke the other day).

Contrary to popular belief, it appears that elves are big opinionated jerks that only like other elves who enjoy making toys.  Heaven forbid you want to make a better life for yourself and leave behind the long hours of the toy factory to become a wealthy, successful dentist.  Little Hermey could have much easier stated that he had fallen in love with a wooden doll and wanted to run away into the woods and have a dozen little doll babies together.  But a dentist?  Blasphemy.

And the big boss elf, the Foreman?  Well, he basically SCREAMS and belittles the other elves all day.  But when Santa comes around, he talks like a big pus and kisses Santa's rosy red butt.

This leads me to Santa.  Oh, the good old jolly big man himself, lovingly referred to as "Papa" in the movie by Mrs. Claus (who is most likely verbally abused and vastly under appreciated by Santa).  I'll just say it.  Santa is an ass in this movie.  He is so freakin' downright mean to Rudolph about the red nose "deformity".  He even tells Donner that he should be "ashamed of himself".  Then when the elves sweetly perform the song that they have been rehearsing, Santa hardly gives them the time of day and tells them that is "needs work".  He is a big d*ck.

Such a d*ck move, Santa.

Others that deserve honorable mention are...

Coach Comet, who almost shits himself when he see Rudolph's red nose.  Seriously, dude?  It's not that scary.  He then is a major prick and says that Rudolph will never be able to take part in Reindeer Games.  Nice job, Coach.

Fireball, who refuses to be friends with Rudolph after seeing his "condition".

Donner, who is not what I would call a supportive father at first.

The only rays of sunshine in this film are the ever so sweet Clarice, Hermey's and Rudolph's friendship, Yukon Cornelius, and Rudolph's mom.  The rest of the motley crew should be ashamed of themselves.  They torture, belittle, and degrade Rudolph and Hermey so much that they are forced out of town.  Not the sweet, joyful image of the North Pole that is usually present in Christmas movies.

Finally, they all come around.  Of course, it is ONLY because they are in a bind and need something.  Hermey opens a successful dental practice and Rudolph becomes Santa's main man.  Shit, if I were Rudolph I would have told them all to go kick rocks.

But somehow, despite his rough childhood, he became a decent young man.  He saved the day and got the girl in the end.

Good for you, Rudolph.  Good for you.

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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

In Defense of The Elf

I think it's time we addressed the elephant in the room this holiday season.  And you know what it is.

It has nothing to do with Obamacare, or women's rights, or marriage equality.  It doesn't have to do with politics or religion.

The real hot button issue is whether you are for or against the Elf on the Shelf.  That's what it comes down to...

A few years ago, one of my favorite bloggers, Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat, rose to blogger super stardom with her HILARIOUS post about the now notorious Elf on the Shelf.

Since then I have noticed that many people have strong opinions about the good old Elf.  They either love it and spend every night thinking of new precarious situations in which to put their Elf (picture a hot tub party in the crock pot with Barbie)...or they hate it and won't even consider welcoming one into their bevy of holiday traditions.

I'm am somewhere in the middle...but I lean a little to the left (a.k.a. in support of the Elf).

Without further ado...I present you with my "Defense of the Elf"...

1.  He really does keep behavior in check.
I know, all of you perfect parents will say that this is just wrong.  Of course it's my strong parenting skills and consistency should be what keeps their behavior in check. Fine, I get it.  But let me say this for the record...I don't use the Elf to threaten (okay, maybe I use him to warn my kids about his magical power to report back to Santa).  But I don't make him the bad guy or the man in charge.  Simply seeing his little smiling plastic face staring down at them, piercing into their souls, is enough.  They love that damn Elf and don't want to disappoint.  And they sure as hell don't want him to fly up to the North Pole and tell Santa that no presents should be delivered under our tree on Christmas Eve.  So say what you will, but that Elf gets the job done...

2.  They honestly believe in the magic.
My kids really, truly, 100% believe in the magic of our Elf.  And, as cheesy as it may sound, it is magical.  I have no idea how much longer these years will last.  I don't know how many more magical Christmases we will get out of my 8 year old.  I am holding on for dear life (although it might be nice to finally get some of that damn Santa credit).  So to hear my girls wake each morning and go looking for our Elf, even those days that we forgot to move him and I have to explain that he really must have liked that certain spot, is pretty special.  Even my almost 3 year old is into it this year.  She loves "Elfie" and is so excited to show me where he is every morning.  But it's freakin' magical, I tell ya.

3.  It has become a nice tradition.
Every family has their own traditions...and some people don't feel the need to add anything new.  But I can honestly tell you that our Elf has become quite a pleasant tradition for our family since we welcomed him into our home 3 years ago.  For the past 3 Thanksgivings, Elfie has made his first appearance of the holiday season.  And just this year he started the new tradition of bringing a small treat for the girls.  This year he brought them each a Christmas Kit Kat.  They girls were super excited and it only cost us $2.  It was just the thought that he actually brought these treats from the North Pole that got them so pumped.  I mean, everyone knows that a Kit Kat from the North Pole is so much better than a Kit Kat from Walgreens.

So although I don't go crazy with our Elf on the Shelf and stay up for hours each night dumping flour all over my kitchen only to blame it on the Elf...because let's face it, I can barely remember to move him most nights, I have grown to like the little guy.

I only have one beef.  WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS?  For real.  You put a little plastic doll (really just a head because the rest is fabric) in elf clothing, box it with a cute book, and charge $40 for that bad boy.  Next thing you know, you are a millionarie.  Dang it...I'll say it again, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS?!!!

So what you do you think?  Do you have an Elf on the Shelf?  If not, why?  I'd love to hear from you.!
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