Friday, May 31, 2013

Give Me 5 for Friday: Bartenders and Moms

My friend Katie is running for the 2013 Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Woman of the Year.  You can make a donation to the LLS and help support blood cancer research right HERENO amount is too small!! :)

So last night Katie had a guest bartending event a local restaurant/bar and ALL tips were donated to her campaign (all money goes directly to LLS).  And guess who was one of the guest bartenders?

Yep.  You guessed it.  Me.

I realized in my short stint behind the bar that bartending is a demanding job...and it's a lot like being a mom (or a dad too).

For Give Me 5 for Friday, I present to you 5 similarities between being a mom and a bartender...

Similarity #1:
  • Bartender:  Everyone is giving you orders. 
  • Mom:  Everyone is giving you orders.
  • Bartender:  Everyone wants something different.  Some people want beer, some like wine, others prefer the hard stuff.  You have to have it all on hand to please the masses.  And sometimes you might give people stuff that you know is bad for them.
  • Mom:  Everyone wants something different.  One loves pasta, the other only wants peanut butter and jelly.  One wants milk, another wants juice.  You have to have it all on hand to please the munchkins.  And sometimes you definitely give the kids stuff that is bad for doughnuts, candy, and whatever else you give as a bribe treat.
  • Bartender:  Around closing time, people are tired and cranky and many have had "too much".  Sometimes they are rambling or slurring or even crying.  You just want to tell them all to go home and go the f*ck to sleep.
  • Mom:  Around bed time, everyone is cranky, the kids are crying, and YOU have definitely had enough.  You want them all to go to bed and go the f*ck to sleep.
  • Bartender:  At the end of the night, you are sweaty, exhausted, and your feet hurt.
  • Mom:  At the end of the day, you are sweaty after wrangling the kids for bath time, you are exhausted, and your head hurts.
And #5:
  • Bartender:  When everyone is gone, it is FINALLY your time to sit and have a very much deserved drink.
  • Mom:  When everyone is asleep, it is FINALLY your turn to sit and have a very much deserved drink.  That is...if you can stay awake long enough to finish it.
 As you can clearly see, Bartending is almost EXACTLY like being a mom.

Except the tip part.  If I only could get my kids to tip me...I swear I would be SO much more efficient and eager to please.
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Friday, May 24, 2013

Give Me 5 for Friday: Toddler Mysteries

There are some things that I will NEVER understand about toddlers.  Their actions are usually irrational.  Their moods can change in an instant...over ANYTHING.  Most of the time they make simple tasks extremely more difficult than they need be.

Their little brains are a mystery.

For today's Give me 5 for Friday, I will be discussing 5 toddler mysteries...

1.  They can't seem to cooperate for a family picture.  It is apparently way too much to ask for a smile that would take 4 seconds out of their busy snack filled, game playing, song singing day.  A photo shoot that could be done in minutes turns into over an hour of crying, sweating, and threats (on my part).

Case and point.

2.  They can NEVER make up their minds.  Those little buggers are an indecisive, fickle bunch.

You want a blue freeze pop?
*Give blue freeze pop.  Cue tantrum.
What's wrong?
Red feeze pop!!!!

3.  They can turn on a dime.  Everything can be sunshine and butterflies one moment.  Then their waffle isn't done at the exact second that they decide it should be (you know how long those pesky toasters take...sometimes a whole 90 seconds!), you run out of string cheese (my 2 year old is addicted), or heaven forbid you are walking out the door (already running late) and you try to put their shoes on.  Why are shoes such an inconvenience? 

4.  They refuse sleep or want to sleep in the most UNCOMFORTABLE places.  This may be one of the biggest head-scratching mysteries to me.  For the life of me, I will never understand the refusing to sleep.  Who doesn't want to take a damn nap? 
Then my 2 year old sometimes does this fun little thing where she wakes up at 3 am and wants to go sleep on the sofa.  Why would she want to leave the comfort of the bed and sleep on the sofa?  Maybe it's because she also requests a snack at this time...which I usually indulge because I can't risk her waking up the other girls.  So it might be kind of fun for a kid to lounge on the sofa with cheese puffs at 3 in the morning.  It's certainly not my idea of fun though.

5.  Finally, they have no respect for...basically anything.
 No respect for themselves...
 or the furniture...
or their clothing...

I am telling you all right now, I will NEVER figure out toddlers...and I am working on raising my 3rd one.  They will forever remain a mystery to me.

But what is no mystery is why God made them so cute and adorable. 

It was so they could make it through toddlerhood in one piece.

I mean, seriously...who could stay mad at this?!!!  Even if she is refusing to let you take a picture and running away towards a busy street. 
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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Make Extra Money from Home!

There have been MANY times when I wanted to find a legit way to make extra money from home.

I already belong to a few sites where you can earn extra cash for things like going through them when online shopping.  For example, Ebates is awesome!  You can join and check it out for yourself.  Use this email as a reference if you do:

BUT...after reading about another site called Zip Nada Zilch on a blog that I follow, I realized that there are other ways to earn extra money.  I dragged my feet for over a month when it came to signing up on this site.  Then when I did, I realized how easy it was! 

Here is all you do:

1.  Follow my link to sign up.  Make sure you sign up completely.  Select the way you want to get paid, because yes, you will get paid!  I chose PayPal because that is the easiest, fastest way.

2.  Complete only ONE offer (The offers are simple! I did a free offer and as long as I remember to cancel within the time period, it doesn't cost me a penny.)

3.  Once you complete only ONE offer, you can then use the referral link they gave you to refer other friends.

4.  For each person you refer, you get $20 via PayPal. 

It's as simple as that!!!! So easy and they pay you right away!

Of course, you are not going to be rolling in the dough.  But it's extra money for groceries, a night out, or maybe a new outfit (for you, not the kids!!!).

You can get started right NOW by following this link!

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Friday, May 17, 2013

Give Me 5 for Friday: Dear Teenage Me...

There are so many sayings...

Hindsight is 20/20.

If I knew then what I know now.

I would go back and do it all again.

Really, how cool would it be?  To know what you know now and to be able to go back and do it all again.  Would you do it?  Would you change anything?

Let me say right now that I enjoyed my teenage years.  I liked high school.  It wasn't some horrible experience at all.  I had many friends then that I still keep in touch with today.  I played sports.  I got good grades.  I really had a good run for those 4 years. 

But there are some things that I might want to tweak a bit.  There are many things that I wish I could have told my teenage self...that would have made those years all the better. 

I decided to write a little letter to case time travel ever becomes possible.  You never know.

So here are 5 things I would like to tell teenage me.

Dear Teenage Me,

First, don't cut bangs.  Even if you think it might be a good idea...don't.  Trust me on this one. 

Second, embrace your hair.  Use some product and try to find the right ones.  Hair Gel is not a good option for you.

Third, I know it sucks wearing two to three sports bras when you play field hockey and lacrosse, but don't sweat it.  It will get better.  People won't always refer to you as "the girl with the curly hair and big boobs".  In a few short years you will have a breast reduction...and even after you have children, you will still be in pretty good shape in that region.  Everywhere else will be a hot mess, but the surgery will hold up well so take comfort in that one little fact.

Fourth, rock that vanity tag on your Saturn that says "IMKT" with pride.  You will laugh about it for years and years. 

Finally, if you don't quite trust a friend, follow your gut.  Don't tell her shit that you don't want people to know.  But if you do, make sure you also have some leverage...a little inside info, if you know what I mean. 

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PS.  And one more thing...when you find a red sequined, turtleneck style prom dress, keep looking.  It is not as fabulous as you think it is. 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

8 years ago today, I became a mom.

It was a Monday.  The day after Mother's Day.  I had hoped she would arrive on Mother's Day...just because I thought it would be cool. 

And I was huge.  And I was anxious.  And I wanted to get the show on the road.

I was scheduled to be induced that Monday (because again, I was HUGE...and the doctor had me petrified was concerned that I wouldn't be able to deliver such a large baby if we didn't induce). 

It was a long day.  Within hours I was 8 cm.  My doctor was convinced it would be smooth sailing.

I never got past 8 cm.  Her giant delicate little baby head was stuck.

Finally my doctor said, "Are you over this?"

After 15 hours, I was over it.  So we threw in the towel...although I am not sure having a c-section is "throwing in the towel".

After about 30 minutes, we met our first born...our first daughter.  (The first of 3 girls?!  We NEVER would have expected that.)

She was perfect.  I know parents say that...or have to say it.  But she really was perfect.  Her head was perfect, her skin was perfect.  She was perfect.

That feels like so long ago...but also like it was just yesterday.

I have learned so much in these past 8 years. 

I have learned to put someone's needs in front of my own.  I have learned to be patient, when it seems like it is impossible.  I have learned to let things go.  I have learned that I don't know everything...and that it's okay to mess up sometimes.  I have learned what is truly important in life.  I have learned what it is like to love another human being more than words can describe.

I have learned what it means to be a mother.

And I'm still learning.


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Friday, May 3, 2013

Give Me 5 for Friday: Carnivals are Pure Evil

Unless you can sit in the beer tent all night, carnivals suck.  There, I said it. 

I'm not some party pooper who doesn't want my kids to have a good time.  I LOVE when my kids are having fun. 

I guess they had some fun at our church carnival this was just hard to see the fun through the tears, tantrums, and dollar bills steadily leaving my wallet. 

Here's the deal.  When you take your kids to the carnival, you just have to be mentally prepared for torture.  If you know it is going to take every ounce of your patience to get through it, maybe you can save up your strength through the day and be armed and ready to go.

Here are 5 reasons why carnivals are evil:

1.  Height restrictions.
I understand that there have to be height restrictions for rides to keep kids safe.  But it's super cool when the guy operating the ride has a homemade PVC pipe height limit thingamagiggy and they stand at the entrance of the line turning away kids that have already been waiting for a bit.  It is even cooler when your 4 year old waits in the line for the only ride she has talked about going on and gets turned away at the gate because she didn't make the cut and then she sits on the ground and cries.  SUPER AWESOME and SO FUN.

2.  Rides that have been in use for about 30 years.
You know that some of those carnival rides are the same ones you rode when you were 12.  Come on.  Like the Zipper?  That ride was making noises that came straight from the pits of hell.  I was totally waiting for one of the cages to open and send kids plummeting 2 stories to the ground.

The Zipper, clearly the same ride in 2013 as the one at my 8th grade school carnival in 1992.

3.   "Mom, you will have to go on this one with her."
Those are the words that I heard when my 4 year old was too short for the "Extreme".  So of course I got on.  Let me say, I am too old for that shit.  Although I LOVE rides (the bigger, the better), I don't like rides that whip you in circles around rusted axles that make you feel like you most certainly will be thrown into the crowd of carnival-goers.  I am TOO OLD for that shit.  I know too much.  I have seen the news.  I could imagine the headlines...
"Ride Malfunctions and throws Mom and 3 young girls into crowd of carnival-goers.  Many injured.  Authorities say ride had not been inspected since 1986."

The "Extreme"...better known as The Sizzler back in my day.

4.  "Reasonably" priced games and concessions.
Can you sense the sarcasm here? 
Honestly, I didn't have a problem spending some money because it was a carnival for our church.  My husband volunteered to work a night there and I made cookies for the bake sale.  I know that the church depends on this carnival to raise money.  I know that.  But I dropped $40 in two nights on ride tickets, over $20 on food, and more spent on raffles and games.  It's cool though.  My kids will be eating hot dogs and ramen noodles all next week for dinner. 

5.  Not a crowd pleaser.
Although the kids had fun at certain times of the night...there were many times when one or more were unhappy.  The big kids went on a ride, the 2 year old screamed.  The big kids went on the fun house, the 4 year old made it halfway through and started crying at the bridge because she thought it was going to break (I don't blame her).  She hauled ass all the way back to the entrance...which included going UP the slide and DOWN the rope wall.  Pretty impressive.  The older girls wanted snow cones, the 2 year old wanted funnel cake.  It turns out, apparently she thought she was getting birthday cake...because when she saw the funnel cake, saying was disappointed would be an understatement. 

Again, friends, I am NOT a party pooper.  I love rides.  I love the boardwalk at the beach.  We have taken the kids to Disney World 4 times.  It is just my personal opinion that carnivals are evil. 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 
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Disclaimer:  My kids are not some little spoiled brats that have tantrums in public when I don't indulge their every wish.  Alrighty?  So don't even go there.  The carnival brings it out in them, I swear.  That's why it's evil.  Oh, and I am also just trying to vent and have a laugh about it. 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

10 Reasons Why I Want to Borrow a Newborn

I mentioned this morning on my facebook page that I wanted to borrow a newborn for the day.  I'm not going to go all crazy and like, keep it or anything.  Because those things grow up super fast and the next thing you know they are throwing themselves on the floor of Target because they want a $34.99 Lalaloopsy doll (and spilling their Icee all over the doll aisle).  So, I promise I'll give it back.  TRUST ME.

But I need a fresh newborn...preferably under 1 month old.

Why?  Why would I want this?

Well, I think most people decide they want another baby because they truly want more children.  But every now and then people who are done, people who can't handle much more on their plate, have these smalls pangs of "I want a newborn again".  They want a NEWBORN.  Not a child.  Just a newborn. 

That's me.  I don't want to do the whole thing again.  I can't handle another mouth to feed or another mouth that whines.

I just want it for a day.

Here's why:

1.  So I can sit and hold it, and smell it, and kiss it, and squeeze it's little legs all day...and that is all I will be expected to do.

2.  I will be able to do #1 ALL day because people will offer to take my other kids.  That's right.  Offer to do volunteer. 

3.  People will bring me meals.  Just one day with a newborn will score me casseroles for a week.

4.  People will also bring me fresh baked cakes and homemade cookies.

5.  I will be able to eat all of it too because of course I will need to keep my energy up for the baby.  If I even mention starting that post-baby diet, people will say "You are CRAZY.  You have a newborn...Eat up!"

6.  Being a hot mess will be acceptable.  The house is a mess, bills are unpaid, and the kids clothes are all dirty.  OF COURSE they are.  I have a newborn.

7.  People will volunteer to watch my other children.  I know I said that in #2.  But it deserves to be repeated.

8.  Someone might offer to take some of this laundry off of my hands.  I only have 87 loads to do.  (And I am NOT exaggerating.)

9.  Everyone will want to how I feel.  Have you ever noticed that when you are pregnant or when you have just had a baby, everyone wants to know how your are feeling and doing?  Then a few weeks after giving birth, it ends.  Just like that. 

10.  People will volunteer to watch my other children.  (I couldn't think of a 10th reason and I really think this could be the sole reason for wanting a newborn for the day anyway.)

So if you have a newborn that fits my requirements:
  • under 6 weeks of age
  • not too fussy
  • enjoys getting their legs and double chins pinched
  • still has that newborn smell
I would be happy to take the baby off of your hands for the day.  You can retrieve your newborn around 8 pm, right after my kids have been returned all bathed and ready for bed and after I have polished off a delicious casserole and washed down my Percocet with a glass of Pinot Grigio.

I look forward to hearing from you.

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