Give me 5 for Friday: Mystery Reader Clues

I'm introducing a new fun little diddy on Fridays.  It's called "Give me 5 for Friday".  I will post something every Friday that consists of some list of 5 things.  It might be 5 great or not so great things about the week, 5 recipes that I may have made or that I may have pinned and never attempted or even considered to attempt but just pinned it because I like feeling like a failure, or 5 random things that I want to list that day. 

Here is my first Give me 5 for Friday!

Don't judge the picture too harshly.  Like I have said before, I am impulsive so I just came up with this little idea.  Therefore, I needed a quick pic. 

One of my best friends has a son in 1st grade.  This class has a mystery reader come in every Thursday.  The mystery reader is usually a parent/family member.  The week before you come into the class, you have to send in 5 clues about yourself so the teacher can give the students hints about who the mystery reader is and the kids can guess.

Well, my friend and I had a few laughs talking about what our five clues would be...

Here are mine:

1.  This person has a teeny bit of a weight problem...by about 40 lbs or so.

2.  This person has 2 pairs of jeans.  Only one pair fits.

3.  This person has unexplained adult acne on her chin. 

4.  This person wears her in hair in a pony tail on most days because of its unruly and uncooperative nature.

5.  You can find this person perusing the aisles of Target at least once (and usually twice) a week.

I could give more clues, but basically these should be enough.

What would your 5 clues be?