Saturday, December 21, 2013

Rudolph, the True Hollywood Story.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a wholesome children's Christmas classic...right?

WRONG.

It's actually quite the opposite.  Watching Rudolph to get you into the Christmas spirit would be equivalent to going trick or treating at Michael Meyers' house or going to Walmart on Black Friday.  Bad idea.

I have talked about this movie briefly in the past...but I strongly felt like it needed a little more attention, especially when I watched it the other day with a 5th grade class at school.  Within the first few minutes I began to take notes on the horrors I saw.

So where should I begin?

Hmm, let's start with the elves.  As Frosty the narrator introduces the audience to Santa's little helpers, our cheery and always helpful impression of what elves should be is shattered into a million pieces (much like the snow globe that my kids broke the other day).

Contrary to popular belief, it appears that elves are big opinionated jerks that only like other elves who enjoy making toys.  Heaven forbid you want to make a better life for yourself and leave behind the long hours of the toy factory to become a wealthy, successful dentist.  Little Hermey could have much easier stated that he had fallen in love with a wooden doll and wanted to run away into the woods and have a dozen little doll babies together.  But a dentist?  Blasphemy.

And the big boss elf, the Foreman?  Well, he basically SCREAMS and belittles the other elves all day.  But when Santa comes around, he talks like a big pus and kisses Santa's rosy red butt.

This leads me to Santa.  Oh, the good old jolly big man himself, lovingly referred to as "Papa" in the movie by Mrs. Claus (who is most likely verbally abused and vastly under appreciated by Santa).  I'll just say it.  Santa is an ass in this movie.  He is so freakin' downright mean to Rudolph about the red nose "deformity".  He even tells Donner that he should be "ashamed of himself".  Then when the elves sweetly perform the song that they have been rehearsing, Santa hardly gives them the time of day and tells them that is "needs work".  He is a big d*ck.


Such a d*ck move, Santa.

Others that deserve honorable mention are...

Coach Comet, who almost shits himself when he see Rudolph's red nose.  Seriously, dude?  It's not that scary.  He then is a major prick and says that Rudolph will never be able to take part in Reindeer Games.  Nice job, Coach.

Fireball, who refuses to be friends with Rudolph after seeing his "condition".

Donner, who is not what I would call a supportive father at first.

The only rays of sunshine in this film are the ever so sweet Clarice, Hermey's and Rudolph's friendship, Yukon Cornelius, and Rudolph's mom.  The rest of the motley crew should be ashamed of themselves.  They torture, belittle, and degrade Rudolph and Hermey so much that they are forced out of town.  Not the sweet, joyful image of the North Pole that is usually present in Christmas movies.

Finally, they all come around.  Of course, it is ONLY because they are in a bind and need something.  Hermey opens a successful dental practice and Rudolph becomes Santa's main man.  Shit, if I were Rudolph I would have told them all to go kick rocks.

But somehow, despite his rough childhood, he became a decent young man.  He saved the day and got the girl in the end.

Good for you, Rudolph.  Good for you.

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