Wednesday, September 3, 2014

I Want to Borrow a Newborn

REPOST from May 2013:

I think I want to borrow a newborn for the day. I'm not going to go all crazy and like, keep it or anything.  Because those things grow up super fast and the next thing you know they are throwing themselves on the floor of Target because they want a $34.99 Lalaloopsy doll (and also spilling their Icee all over the toy aisle). So, I promise I'll give it back. TRUST ME.

But I need a fresh newborn...preferably under 1 month old.

Why? Why would I want this?

Well, I think most people decide they want another baby because they truly want more children. But every now and then people who are done, people who can't handle much more on their plate, have these small pangs of "I want a newborn again". They want a NEWBORN. Not a child. Just a newborn. 

That's me. I don't want to do the whole thing again. I can't handle another mouth to feed or another mouth that whines.

I just want it for a day.

Here's why:

1.  So I can sit and hold it, and smell it, and kiss it, and squeeze it's little legs all day...and that is all I will be expected to do.

2.  I will be able to do #1 ALL day because people will offer to take my other kids. That's right. Offer to do it...like volunteer. 

3.  People will bring me meals. Just one day with a newborn will score me casseroles for a week.

4.  People will also bring me treats...like fresh baked cakes and homemade cookies.

5.  I will be able to eat all of it too because of course I will need to keep my energy up for the baby. If I even mention starting that post-baby diet, people will say, "You are CRAZY. You have a newborn...Eat up!"

6.  Being a hot mess will be acceptable. The house is a mess, bills are unpaid, and the kids clothes are all dirty. OF COURSE they are. I have a newborn.

7.  People will volunteer to watch my other children. I know I said that in #2.  But it deserves to be repeated.

8.  Someone might offer to take some of this laundry off of my hands. I only have 87 loads to do. (And I am NOT exaggerating.) But who has time to do all that laundry with a newborn? Not me.

9.  Everyone will want to how I feel. Have you ever noticed that when you are pregnant or when you have just had a baby, everyone wants to know how your are feeling and doing? Then a few weeks after giving birth, it ends. Just like that. 

10.  People will volunteer to watch my other children. (I couldn't think of a 10th reason and I really think this could be a top reason for wanting a newborn for the day anyway.)

So if you have a newborn that fits my requirements:

  • under 6 weeks of age
  • not too fussy
  • enjoys getting their legs and double chins pinched
  • still has that newborn smell
I would be happy to take the baby off of your hands for the day.  You can retrieve your newborn around 8 pm, right after my kids have been returned all bathed and ready for bed and after I have polished off a delicious casserole and washed down my Percocet with a glass of Pinot Grigio.

I look forward to hearing from you.
alt text

1 comment:

  1. New Diet Taps into Innovative Plan to Help Dieters Lose 20 Pounds within Only 21 Days!

    ReplyDelete

Even though I am horrible at responding to comments, I read every one (even the spam comments trying to sell me cheap Christian Louboutins). Leave a nice comment and I will buy you a drink...someday.