Friday, August 23, 2013

I Don't Know If I'm Doing It Right.

I read many, many other blogs.  I really enjoy doing that.  I read blogs written by moms, and dads, and survivors, and people struggling with addiction or infertility or illness.  I read blogs that are funny or heartwarming or happy or sad or sometimes a little of everything.

Lately I have come across some posts that I really have enjoyed reading, but they left me feeling so many mixed emotions.

Wow, that was a wake up call.

Maybe I'm not doing the best job here.  

Maybe I am rushing through life some days.  

Maybe I don't appreciate enough.  Or maybe I appreciate things too much.  

Maybe I over think things.  

Maybe I made the wrong choice in leaving my career 4 years ago to have a home daycare and be home with my kids or maybe I am making the wrong decision going back to being a full time, working out of the home mom.

Maybe I am not using the right words when I talk to my girls and therefore will lead them to a life of serious issues and countless hours in therapy.  

Maybe I am not making them be as independent as they could be.  Maybe I am expecting them to be more independent than they should be at this age.

All I can say to all of this is a big resounding I DON'T KNOW IF I AM DOING IT RIGHT.  (I'm actually pretty sure that I am doing many, many things wrong.)

But what I do know is that some days I am going to rush because I am running late.  Yes, I might hurry my kids in the morning...because I have to go to something called a J-O-B and they have to learn to be on time for stuff like that.  You can't be late to work or school just because the sun is shining and you want to frolic in the yard and take it all in or because your sister took your Barbie and you want to fight about it or because there is a new episode of Austin and Ally on and you just have to watch it even though it will come on 67 times this week.  The world is not always going to wait for you.

Maybe I am going to tell them to cut it out with the snacks or desserts because NO YOU CAN'T snack all day and eat 7 pounds of sugar.  They have to know that too.

Maybe I will talk about losing weight in front of them (ME, not them)...because if I am working hard at something like training for a half marathon and I lose some weight, I should be proud of that because I am trying to be healthier.  There is nothing wrong with that.

There may be times when I call them "princess" or tell them they are "pretty" or "beautiful".  What the hell.  I can't keep track of all the appropriate, empowering things to say.  But you can bet that I will also tell them that they are smart or funny or talented or interesting or faster than ANY of the boys in their class. 

Some days I will yell at them and say bad words (yes, those bad four letter words)...because I am mad and frustrated and tired and they just need to CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

But EVERY SINGE DAY my kids will know that there is nothing in life more important to me than them.

Even on days that mommy rushes or yells or plays on her phone or writes this damn blog while she should be reading books or going over sight words or listening to them sing Taylor Swift songs for the 243rd time this week, there is NOTHING that is more important.  They will always be my top priority.  Each one of them will know that they are so, so loved.

And that's all that really matters. 

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4 comments:

  1. WE all doubt ourselves, but know that you are doing the best you can and that's pretty damn good, Katie!!

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  2. What the hell.... princess, beautiful, pretty those aren't 'appropriate' --gah! I'm in big trouble. ;) Nah, actually, I'm totally cool with telling them that stuff.

    I used to feel guilty about my photography, and I acted like I was guilty... like since I'm a mom I can't have a hobby --whatever! I was at our state botanical garden with my kids, and we were walking and taking in all that awesome beauty; I'd pause take pictures of the flowers and butterflies... my oldest says to me, "mom why do you carry 'that' camera around?" she said it with attitude. At first, I felt like I was doing something wrong, like life is passing by while I snap a picture, oh hell no. Something just clicked... I felt zero guilt, well maybe not zero, but, anyway, I still went on to tell her that what I enjoy is important, it is apart of something I do for me and that I matter. I think how well I treat myself, how well I take care of myself is a way for me to lead by example. I also want my daughters to know that our wants are just as important as our needs --we don't have to feel guilty about wanting something... excellent opportunity to learn balance and moderation --that sure wasn't anything I ever learned --most of my life was about extremes, not so much anymore.

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