When I went back to working out of the home, I knew things would change. I knew it would be difficult...and rewarding. I knew that there would be benefits...and also drawbacks.
And I was right.
But what surprises me is the fine line that I walk everyday between the freedom that I feel at work and the guilt that I feel.
At work, I can get things done without someone CONSTANTLY needing or wanting my attention. I can eat lunch, and talk to adults, and make phone calls. Yes, I am also working with kids most of the day. But these kids can feed themselves. They go to the bathroom independently. They don't whine or argue with me (they are saving it up all day for their parents when they get home).
I actually like my job. I like what I am doing. I like the school. I like the kids. I don't mind the paperwork or the meetings.
It gives me a sense of freedom that I think I was missing over the past few years.
But it also gives me a sense of guilt at times.
Those times when I am struggling to get the kids up in the morning and running around the house like a raving maniac because I am going to be late . And I feel like all I am doing is barking out orders...put your shoes on...finish breakfast...make sure you have all of your stuff ready to go...brush your teeth....no, you can't have a cookie for breakfast...fine, just eat the damn cookie THEN brush your teeth.
Those times when my youngest doesn't want to go to preschool and runs from me screaming "ME DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!". Or even worse...she screams "ME WANT TO STAY HOME WITH YOU!". Then I want to cry. I want to say Sure baby, you can stay home with me. But the problem is, she can't. She can't stay home because I can't stay home. I have to leave her to go spend time with other peoples' children.
You see, that's what many of us teachers do. We leave our children at daycare or preschool or school, and we go focus our attention on the children of others. That's the nature of the job.
And again, I like my job. But...ugh, the guilt. The guilt can be a killer.
So it's a fine line...and I am trying to walk the line everyday without falling on my face.