Friday, April 19, 2013

Give Me 5 for Friday: You had a baby. Now what?

Consider this as a sort of "What to Expect When You are No Longer Expecting" kind of post.  You know, like right after you have a baby and you are all like WTF is happening here?!

I know that I read a book during my first pregnancy called Your Pregnancy: Week by Week.  I devoured that sucker.  I read every chapter, every week.  I looked ahead, although I tried not to.  I reread it with baby #2.  I didn't even touch it with my 3rd...but that's to be expected I guess.

I knew what was going on each week with the baby and also with my body.  Admittedly, near the end of the pregnancies I was taken aback by a few unexpected little things.  But all in all, I was prepared.

What I wasn't prepared for was what would become of my body right after I gave birth.  I wish someone had really, truly prepared me for what I would face.

So if you are expecting your first child and you aren't sure how things will go down after the baby is born, I am here to help you.  If you already have gone through this, I'm sure you can relate.

Here are 5 things to expect when you are no longer expecting...

1.  Your stomach will look like a deflated a wrinkly, unrecognizable mass of flesh.  It will not resemble the round, smooth bump it was when you were carrying the baby and lathering it up with cocoa butter for 9 months.  By the way, all that shit doesn't work.  I feel those companies, such as Palmer's, are guilty of false advertising.  All they are doing is selling a dream.  A dream that will come crashing to the ground.  That stuff might help a bit...but it sure as hell won't prevent stretch marks.  They develop internally and they are also hereditary.  Thank your DNA for stretch marks...
And if you don't have any, well lucky you.  Have fun wearing your bikini all summer with a baby on your hip, you b*tch.  Just kidding.  Really, I am.  Kind of...

2.  You will try on your pre-pregnancy clothes WAY too soon.  They won't fit.  Don't sweat it.  My doctor told me it takes at least 8 to 12 weeks for your uterus to go back to it's normal size.  I have to wonder if she meant 8 to 12 years.  That would be make more sense to me...
And with that being said, your pre-pregnancy clothes very well may not fit.  Ever.  I still have a pair of jeans from J. Crew in my basement that were my FAVORITE.  I haven't worn them in over 8 years.  Call me an eternal optimist. 

3.  TMI here.  But you will bleed for weeks.  That is the one thing I think many people are the most shocked by.  It will go on and on and on.  It's a bloodbath in the beginning.  You just birthed a human.  It will be okay.  Unless it's really not okay, call your doctor if you are unsure.  Don't go passing out on people. 
Also if you have a c-section, you will have to measure your urine output.  Really.  You will have to use a large measuring cup thing that conveniently fits inside the toilet when you go to the bathroom.  Then you will have to tell the nurse, like a good little girl, how much you went pee pee.  It made me feel like I was potty training...myself.
Along those same lines, you will wear a pad the size of your sofa cushion.  And the underwear the hospital gives you are super comfy and pure genius.  They stretch to fit like 4 people.  I don't know how they do it, but they are wonderful.

4.  You might still look pregnant for a bit.  It was such a hoot when I got a pedicure 3 weeks postpartum and the nice young lady sand blasting my hooves asked me when I was due. 
Such a riot.

5.  If you have a c-section, you will walk around like the Hunch Back of Notre Dame for several days and even up to a week.  You will also want to dropkick people in the teeth if they make you laugh.  Holding a pillow over your stomach helps when you have to laugh or cough and will reduce the sensation that you most definitely are ripping your abdominal region wide open.
As a side note, dancing at a wedding when you are less than 3 weeks postpartum should be done with extreme caution.  Someone might come along and spin you around and unknowingly cause your few remaining sutures to pop out.  An open bar will help ease the pain.  Trust me on this one...

So what do you think?  Are you prepared for all that comes after you give birth? 

If not, just remember this:  People are crazy enough to do it again and it can't be all that bad.  So what I'm saying is that it's bad (it really is), but not that bad.  Not to scare you or anything...but really, it's bad.

Good luck with that.

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  1. I have had 4 c-sections none of which were entirely the same, and none of which I was ever prepared for. I can so relate to the wanting to drop kick anyone who makes you laugh, and although I didn't go dancing three weeks postpartum, a walmart sales rack can be just as dangerous for those lingering sutures trust me!

  2. Yep. All that and worse. My feet went up half a size with each child. I wore a 6.5 before kids, now most of my shoes are an 8, i'm JUST starting to squeeze back into 7.5's and my baby is a YEAR old.
    My body looks like a cartographer's map, and my husband is giving me the old "Let the pre-baby clothes bags in the basement and attic GO" talk.
    I wouldn't trade it for anything though!

  3. I so wish I had read this before I had my first kid...


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