I'm starting to resemble Tom Selleck...and other problems with 35.

Last month I turned 35.

I have no shame in that.  I am not one of those people who doesn't want to say how old I am.  It really doesn't matter much to me.

BUT there are a few..."problems"...that I have started to notice.

I guess it was coming.  When you turn 35, don't they stamp "ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE" on your ob/gyn files if you are expecting?  And although I am NOT expecting...nor do I plan on it in the near future (by near future I mean not EVER), all I can think of is that label.  ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE.  It just seems so...UGH.

When you are a kid, the word advanced is a good thing.  That means that you are smart or ahead of your peers in certain areas.  But the older you get, the more the word advanced just gets worse and worse for you.  And then it's not a good thing...but just bad, bad, BAD.

If I am being honest, there are certain things that are definitely advanced at this point.

The first thing is hair growth.  And I don't mean the hair on my head.  Although that hair seems to be falling out at alarming rates, I now have made up for it with hair on my chin and upper lip.  I have never, ever gotten my upper lip waxed in my life.  There was never a need to.  Oh but now there is a need.  Trust me.  I look a little like Tom Selleck.  And the chin hairs?  Just last year I could pluck one or two and it was under control.  At this point I am ready slather my whole face with hot wax and take care of business.



The other thing that is advanced is adult acne and break outs.  Back in my teens, I never had this problem.  I could wash my face with hand soap or slather it with tanning oil (only SPF 8 of course) and NEVER break out.  But now if I go to bed one night without washing off my makeup, I am sure to have an awesome break out.

Not only are the break outs super gorgeous, add skin discolorations to the mix.  A few days in the sun and my "chloasma" is in all it's glory.  Don't know what chloasma is?  Lucky you.  I got it with my 2nd pregnancy.  It is also lovingly referred to as the "mask of pregnancy".  It's just a cool way to say dark spots on your face.  

And how about the weight gain?  Let's talk about that being advanced.  What takes months to take off could be put back on in one wild and crazy weekend (and by wild and crazy I mean drinking wine and eating my childrens' leftover chicken nuggets and mac and cheese).  I can get up 4 mornings a week and run 4+ miles.  I can weight train.  I can watch my diet all week.  Then one bad day...one dessert or night of beer drinking and it goes to shit. 

But the good thing about this age is that EVERYTHING can be blamed on hormones.  Weight gain has nothing to do with stuffing my face with cheese puffs and pinot grigio. My bitchy bad mood isn't my fault.  My bad skin isn't the result of my lazy ass not washing my face at night.  It's all because of the HORMONES.


Now if I could only find a way to blame the hormones for my messy house, my incredible amount of laundry, or my poor money managing skills.  Then I would really be on to something...