Reading between the lines (of Status Updates and Tweets)

Social media is fun.  But I'll be damned if sometimes it isn't annoying as f*ck!

I read people's status updates and tweets and all the crap they pin...and I think HOW THE HELL does she have time to do that?  Or MUST BE NICE! Or even worse, I think Okay you little pain in the ass, we got the picture.  Your life is pure bliss and perfection.

However...I know, you know, we ALL know, that what people put out there isn't all that it seems.  Sometimes we have to read between the lines.

And how do you do that?  Well, I'm here to help.

Check out some sample status updates and tweets and see how they can be interpreted.

Note: These are NOT real tweets and updates.  They are totally fabricated for your reading pleasure.  But if you are guilty of writing something like this...just know that I see through your little facade.  For real.

Tweet:  Awesome night with the kids!  #lovemyfamily #mykidsaremylife.
Translation:  The kids fought A LOT and I drank wine. 

Status Update:  Had a great day at work today. I never thought I could love a job this much!
Translation:  Some of my coworkers and my boss are my facebook friends so I can't say how bad my job blew today.

Status Update:  Getting ready for a great dinner.  Tried a new recipe tonight and I hope everyone loves it!  Cooking for my family makes me so happy :)
Translation:  I swear to Christ that I will flip my shit if no one in my family appreciates this effing meal.

Tweet:  Time to go winter shopping!!! #lovemybootsandsweaters
Translation:  I love that my sweaters cover my muffin top.

Status Update:  AHHHHH! So stressed.
Translation:  I just want everyone to ask me why I am stressed.  Even though I will most likely offer a vague response when they ask.

Tweet:  Busy, busy, busy!
Translation:  I am not that busy because I took the time to tweet about how busy I am.

Tweet:  Going for a run.  #fitnessisfun #Ilovetorun
Translation:  I need to run off the calories from that milkshake I ate last night.  Okay, I ate the fries too.

Status Update:  *Posts picture of selfie*  Ugh, this is what my hubby has to deal with in the morning.  I'm a hot mess! LOL! FML. SMH...Lolololol
Translation:  I am not a hot mess.  I actually think I'm pretty decent...or I wouldn't have posted this pic.  Please compliment me.  Thanks.  Oh, and I like to post all of those stupid acronyms on my updates.

Tweet:  Girls night out.  Woohoo!  #lovemyfriends
Translation:  Hahahahahahahaha....I get a night out and you don't.  Right now you are watching Bubble Guppies and praying your kids fall asleep while I'm on my fourth glass of Pinot Grigio and my second Red Headed Slut shot.

Status Update:  Thank goodness the cleaning lady comes today!  This place is a mess.
Translation:  All you suckas that don't have a cleaning lady...sorry about your luck.  I can afford that luxury and I want to share that fact in a seemingly discreet yet obvious way.

Tweet:  Who knew it would be so hard to choose a new car?  #carshoppingisstressful #firstworldproblems
Translation:  It's not stressful.  I just want everyone to know that I get to pick out a new car.

Status Update:  My house is a mess and the kids won't stop arguing.  Is it bedtime yet?
Translation:  My house is a mess and the kids won't stop arguing.  Is it bedtime yet?