Character Assassination Carousel: Five Little Monkeys

Let me start by saying how excited I am to be taking a ride on Ninja Mom’s Character Assassination Carousel today!! Nicole over at Ninja Mom hosts this hilarious and sometimes eye-opening look at some favorite children’s literature. It might give you a whole new outlook on chosen beloved children’s classics.

Basically the Character Assassination Carousel consists of bloggers choosing a children’s book (or series in my case, because ONE was just not enough) and ripping that poor little unsuspecting kiddie book to shreds.

The last assassin was Marian over at Just Keep Swimming, where she discussed the first world problems in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.  The next assassin will be Jennifer at I'm the Boss of Me.  I can't wait to see what she has in store for us!

Lucky for all of you, I will be the sniper this week and trust me, I have been doing my target practice. (Oh wait, that doesn’t mean shopping at Target? Oops.)

As I mentioned, I will be taking care of a beloved children’s book series. I will discuss five books in the series, all of which I think are fabulous examples of neglect and poor decisions. I am sure most of you have these books in your home, as do I. I actually think these books are great for kids. They are funny, colorful, and focus on reading skills through repetition and math skills through counting. BUT…sometimes, the stories are just flat out incredulous and ridiculous.

Without further ado, I present…The Five Little Monkeys by Eileen Christalew.

First up, Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed.

You all probably are familiar with this one. The five little monkeys don’t want to go to sleep so they terrorize their mom by jumping on the bed.

Well, it’s a big shocker when the kids start falling off the bed, one by one. Hahaha. Typical right?

What is not typical is the mama calling the doctor REPEATEDLY every.single.time the kids fall off the damn bed. The doctor has HAD IT with her by the last call. I think he is crying, the mom is crying, the kids are crying. It is a mess.

Why would this mother keep calling the doctor every time? WHY? I need to know. Does she want to make it glaringly obvious to him and the proper authorities that she has no clue how to control her kids or how to treat minor injuries.

And it’s real cute at the end when she starts jumping on the bed. What the…? Who would do that? You finally get your crazy kids to sleep and than you risk it all by making a ruckus jumping on the bed. No way.

Second is Five Little Monkeys Sitting in the Tree.

Well, this little gem is a treat. The five monkeys go hang out in a tree teasing mean old Mr. Crocodile. Now I know that this in itself is unsafe, but the real kicker is that mama is napping the whole entire time.

Let me get this straight? Mama naps while her five rugrats are doing god knows what…most likely risking their lives by tormenting a crocodile. That’s wonderful.

Next we have Five Little Monkeys Bake a Birthday Cake.

So, in this one it’s Mama’s birthday and the little monkeys want to make her a cake. How sweet! Right?
WRONG.

Once again, the monkeys are a hot mess. They mess up the whole kitchen and basically almost burn down the house. The fire department shows up and somehow, these nice firefighters help them make the most of their ruined cake by covering it with icing.

Oh, and where is mama during all this? If you guessed that she was carefully supervising the whole process…then you guessed incorrectly.

She was asleep. As usual. Damn, this mom gets a great deal of rest with five little ones running around the house. How does she do it?

I’ll tell you how. Neglect.

Then we have Five Little Monkeys Play Hide and Seek.

This book answers the burning question that I have about why this Mama always needs to nap.
The reason is that she is out dancing at night. She up in da club! Seriously. If you don’t believe me, check out this book. While mama is out shaking her booty, a babysitter is home with the kids. I hope the mom was paying Lulu the babysitter hazard pay, because she deserved it.

Again, the monkeys don’t want to go to sleep so they convince Lulu to play hide and seek. It may come as a shock to readers when Lulu can’t find the monkeys. Well, it didn’t shock me. These little monkeys are freakin’ sneaky little shits. Oh yes, they are.

I hope Lulu never, ever came back. I would run for the hills and definitely ignore all calls from Mama requesting babysitting services.

The last book that I will rip to shreds, uh, discuss is Five Little Monkeys Go Shopping.

This one is chock full of goodness. First, mama is taking the kids back to school shopping. Guess when? The day BEFORE school starts. Really, Mama? You could do better than that. I know you are busy up in the club at nights and napping all day, but you could find a little time to shop sooner than the Last. Possible.Day. Good luck finding stuff for all five monkeys. They are going to be stuck with the crap supplies since all the good stuff will be picked over.

And when they actually get to the store, Mama says, “And don’t go wandering off!” So naturally, the kids ALL go wander off and Mama loses them at some point.

It is a damn wonder that this mother still has all five of her monkeys in tact and safe…and that she still has full custody of them.

Listen, I am not judging here. I know it’s hard to shop with kids and get them to go to bed or make them behave all the time. But here’s a pointer. Stop all that damn sleeping, be a little better prepared for things like back to school, and teach them to steer clear of crocodiles. Mmmkay? These are parenting basics, aren’t they?

So in conclusion, I wish Mama and all five of those little monkeys the best of luck. They are going to need it.
　

　

Some Unintended Consequences of Disney Movies

Next week, we leave for Disney World.

We are pretty excited.  The kids are VERY excited.  It is my 7 year old's 4th time there.  She is a veteran.  But my middle will be 4 next month and I am looking forward to how much she will love it this time.

As you know, I have 3 girls.  The two oldest really love all the Disney movies.  They have their favorites, but they have never NOT liked a Disney movie that they have seen.  Unfortunately, there have been some unintended consequences...or lessons, if you will, that have come from watching many of these movies. 

What are they?  What could come from watching a harmless children's movie?  Hmmmm, let me see.

1.  Girls want to marry princes.
Yep, lesson numero uno. Sorry girls, NOT going to happen.

2.  It's perfectly acceptable to walk around in a bikini top in your day to day life.
Jasmine and Ariel did it.  It's fine, right?  Um NO, sorry.  Again, this is NOT going to happen. 

3.  People die.
Long before we ever had a conversation about this with our kids, they watched Sleeping Beauty.  Next thing I knew, Barbies were dying left and right.

4.  A kiss can bring you back to life.
Unless by "kiss", you mean mouth to mouth and CPR, then you will be pretty disappointed to discover that a kiss, in fact, will not work. 

5.  Apples might be poisonous.
Good one, Disney.  Thanks for that.  Now my girls have a funny little excuse that they can use.  "Oh no, can't eat that apple.  I am too scared."

6.  Wild animals are your friends and can be trusted.
No, animals in the wilderness are not your friends.  They will not, I repeat, will NOT make cakes for you, sew dresses for you, or lead you to shelter if you are lost.  And they don't talk.  Do me a favor and just steer clear of wild animals, alrighty?

7.  Your hair will always look like perfection.
Even if you are swimming for years in the ocean, running from a murderous queen or witch, or living in the wild without any grooming tools, you hair can look fabulous.  I can't even get through the day with my hair in tact.  Totally unrealistic.

8.  It's okay to never speak.  Guys will still notice you.
I mean, Ariel thinks Eric will fall in love with her just by batting her big eyes at him and smiling.  Tinkerbell flys around being super protective of Peter Pan but only communicates with him by lighting up or storming off when she is mad. 

9.  Stepmoms and stepsisters are mean.
I guess this could be true sometimes...but generally, that is not the deal.  Please, Disney, cut that crap out.  Dads don't always die and leave behind their only daughter for an evil stepmom to raise as their servant.

10.  Everyone has a beautiful singing voice.
All women can sing and should do so ALL DAY LONG?  I know when I walk around singing, my kids beg me to stop.  Why can all these gals sing?  It makes the rest of us look bad.

So, do you have any other "lessons" that could be learned from these movies?  Please share.

And why you are here...go on over to the right and click on the Top Mommy Blogs link to vote for me! Thanks a bunch!

Because it's summer...

I love the summer.

IT'S NEVERENDING FUN.  (Said with sarcasm....no, I am serious...well kind of both)

I don't work full time in the summer, therefore we can spend our time doing things like...

• having constant playdates
• spending money I don't have
• lathering kids up with sunscreen just to have them play outside or swim in less time then it took to lather them up with the damn sunscreen in the first place
• consuming a steady flow of snacks throughout the day
• complaining that there is "nothing" to eat after snack #3 of the morning, which has occurred by 8:36 am
• skipping bath, because the pool counts (OH YES it does, don't tell me otherwise)
• not making dinner because it's too hot (who can cook when it's above 90 degrees? ugh!)
• drinking wine or beer at noon (not the kids, but me...)
• skipping naps
• delaying bedtime until whenever the Disney movie of the moment is over, which this week has been Lemonade Mouth
• stressing about what bedtime madness will be like in about a month when school starts again
• listening to the kids complain about mosquito bites, even after 2 applications of bug spray and several warning to come in because "The mosquitoes are terrible out there" (I say this EVERY NIGHT)
• swimming, swimming, and more swimming
• appreciating a rainy day because, quite frankly, I couldn't deal with the pool again that day
• being lazy relaxing

I love summer.  But, is it time for school to start again?  Just curious.

Today.

I woke up this morning before everyone else.  My first thought was to go back to sleep, but then I began to think about how nice it would be to get up in the peace and quiet and go have some coffee downstairs.  Alone.  So nice.

Within 5 minutes, the oldest and youngest were awake.  I will admit, for a minute I was annoyed.  Can't I just get a few minutes of peace?  I have not been alone, without at least 1 (and usually all 3 plus some) all week.  But then I decided that I was being selfish. 

In light of the horrible incident in Colorado, I think I need to take a step back.  Innocent lives were lost.  A child was killed.  Someone has to bury their child.  Those parents would give anything to have their peace and quiet shattered by their 6 year old waking up and disturbing their morning cup of coffee.  Others are grieving the loss of their brother, sister, cousin, parent, friend, or neighbor.  It is horrific.  I don't know that kind of sadness.  I thank god every day for that.

Not only have I been thinking about the tragedy in Colorado, I also have a friend with a sick little girl.  Her daughter is 10 months old and was recently diagnosed with a rare disease and they are still not sure how to go about treating it.  This little girl needs positive thoughts and prayers!  If you are reading it, just send a little positive energy her way;)  It would be greatly appreciated!

So, you see, these things put it all in perspective. 

I will let my kids make a mess today.  I will give them extra ice cream today.  I will try not to yell (as much) today.  I will try to be more patient today.  I will appreciate the little things today.  I will give them extra hugs today.

Image from www.poster-street.com



Should I celebrate...or cry? Or maybe both?

Today we took down the crib.  The crib that we have used for the last 7 + years, for all three girls.

We did not put in away neatly into the attic.  We did not move it into another room to use it again at a later date.   What we did do was put it outside to take it to the dump.  To discard it and NEVER use it again.

Should I celebrate this little milestone?  Part of me is overjoyed that we never have to use that thing again.  Actually, I would say a good 75% of me feels that way.  Totally relieved and excited. 

WOOHOO!!! No more crib!

But...

That little 25% of me is crushed.  That part of me is sad.  So sad that I will never use that crib again. 

Here.  Get a tissue and watch this.  This is how I am feeling.

I'll get over it.  I know that by tomorrow the crib will be far from my memory.  Tomorrow when the kids are fighting and calling me every two minutes and 20 seconds for a snack.  Tomorrow when the kids are whining.  Tomorrow when I am changing a diaper.  Tomorrow, I will be thankful that we don't need a crib ever again.

Times they are a'changin'.  You can say that again.  Okay.  Times they are a'changin'.

We don't have a crib in this house anymore.  We don't use bottles or baby food in this house anymore.  Only 1 out of 3 kids still wears a diaper.  Only 1 out of 3 kids even takes a nap these days (yes, that is something to REALLY cry about).

Wow.  How did that happen so quickly?

I am sure that is something that I will ask myself quite often in the years to come.  God willing.