Monday, July 30, 2012

Character Assassination Carousel: Five Little Monkeys

Let me start by saying how excited I am to be taking a ride on Ninja Mom’s Character Assassination Carousel today!! Nicole over at Ninja Mom hosts this hilarious and sometimes eye-opening look at some favorite children’s literature. It might give you a whole new outlook on chosen beloved children’s classics.

Basically the Character Assassination Carousel consists of bloggers choosing a children’s book (or series in my case, because ONE was just not enough) and ripping that poor little unsuspecting kiddie book to shreds.

The last assassin was Marian over at Just Keep Swimming, where she discussed the first world problems in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.  The next assassin will be Jennifer at I'm the Boss of Me.  I can't wait to see what she has in store for us!

Lucky for all of you, I will be the sniper this week and trust me, I have been doing my target practice. (Oh wait, that doesn’t mean shopping at Target? Oops.)

As I mentioned, I will be taking care of a beloved children’s book series. I will discuss five books in the series, all of which I think are fabulous examples of neglect and poor decisions. I am sure most of you have these books in your home, as do I. I actually think these books are great for kids. They are funny, colorful, and focus on reading skills through repetition and math skills through counting. BUT…sometimes, the stories are just flat out incredulous and ridiculous.

Without further ado, I present…The Five Little Monkeys by Eileen Christalew.

First up, Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed.

Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

You all probably are familiar with this one. The five little monkeys don’t want to go to sleep so they terrorize their mom by jumping on the bed.

Well, it’s a big shocker when the kids start falling off the bed, one by one. Hahaha. Typical right?

What is not typical is the mama calling the doctor REPEATEDLY every.single.time the kids fall off the damn bed. The doctor has HAD IT with her by the last call. I think he is crying, the mom is crying, the kids are crying. It is a mess.

Why would this mother keep calling the doctor every time? WHY? I need to know. Does she want to make it glaringly obvious to him and the proper authorities that she has no clue how to control her kids or how to treat minor injuries.

And it’s real cute at the end when she starts jumping on the bed. What the…? Who would do that? You finally get your crazy kids to sleep and than you risk it all by making a ruckus jumping on the bed. No way.

Second is Five Little Monkeys Sitting in the Tree.

Five Little Monkeys Sitting in a Tree

Well, this little gem is a treat. The five monkeys go hang out in a tree teasing mean old Mr. Crocodile. Now I know that this in itself is unsafe, but the real kicker is that mama is napping the whole entire time.

Let me get this straight? Mama naps while her five rugrats are doing god knows what…most likely risking their lives by tormenting a crocodile. That’s wonderful.

Next we have Five Little Monkeys Bake a Birthday Cake.

Five Little Monkeys Bake a Birthday Cake

So, in this one it’s Mama’s birthday and the little monkeys want to make her a cake. How sweet! Right?

Once again, the monkeys are a hot mess. They mess up the whole kitchen and basically almost burn down the house. The fire department shows up and somehow, these nice firefighters help them make the most of their ruined cake by covering it with icing.

Oh, and where is mama during all this? If you guessed that she was carefully supervising the whole process…then you guessed incorrectly.

She was asleep. As usual. Damn, this mom gets a great deal of rest with five little ones running around the house. How does she do it?

I’ll tell you how. Neglect.

Then we have Five Little Monkeys Play Hide and Seek.

Five Little Monkeys Play Hide-and-Seek

This book answers the burning question that I have about why this Mama always needs to nap.
The reason is that she is out dancing at night. She up in da club! Seriously. If you don’t believe me, check out this book. While mama is out shaking her booty, a babysitter is home with the kids. I hope the mom was paying Lulu the babysitter hazard pay, because she deserved it.

Again, the monkeys don’t want to go to sleep so they convince Lulu to play hide and seek. It may come as a shock to readers when Lulu can’t find the monkeys. Well, it didn’t shock me. These little monkeys are freakin’ sneaky little shits. Oh yes, they are.

I hope Lulu never, ever came back. I would run for the hills and definitely ignore all calls from Mama requesting babysitting services.

The last book that I will rip to shreds, uh, discuss is Five Little Monkeys Go Shopping.

Five Little Monkeys Go Shopping

This one is chock full of goodness. First, mama is taking the kids back to school shopping. Guess when? The day BEFORE school starts. Really, Mama? You could do better than that. I know you are busy up in the club at nights and napping all day, but you could find a little time to shop sooner than the Last. Possible.Day. Good luck finding stuff for all five monkeys. They are going to be stuck with the crap supplies since all the good stuff will be picked over.

And when they actually get to the store, Mama says, “And don’t go wandering off!” So naturally, the kids ALL go wander off and Mama loses them at some point.

It is a damn wonder that this mother still has all five of her monkeys in tact and safe…and that she still has full custody of them.

Listen, I am not judging here. I know it’s hard to shop with kids and get them to go to bed or make them behave all the time. But here’s a pointer. Stop all that damn sleeping, be a little better prepared for things like back to school, and teach them to steer clear of crocodiles. Mmmkay? These are parenting basics, aren’t they?

So in conclusion, I wish Mama and all five of those little monkeys the best of luck. They are going to need it.



  1. Call Child Protective Services! One of those monkeys is going to get hurt! THIS was hysterical...!!!

  2. And? Reading these stories to my kids always feels dangerous. Like it's a manual for shit behavior.

    Great assassination, babe!

  3. The whole time I was reading this...I had "99 bottles of beer on the wall" running through my head.

    1. that's funny, because I was thinking that too. hahaha!

  4. Shopping with kids. I could empathize with her if she didn't try to find her kids when they were lost. I can barely wrangle 3 kids out shopping.
    Great kill!

    1. I always lose at least one too. So I can't imagine taking 5 kids;)

  5. DOnt' you just want to throw yourself on the bed and start jumping yourself sometimes??? Don't you?

  6. Made me laugh. I feel like you ended this with the following action: *snaps her fingers in the Z formation*

  7. This was bloody funny and awesome and made me giggle......
    thank you for that needed a giggle today, hell I need a giggle most days and it doesn't take much to make me no no I mean I am hard to make giggle so you did well making me giggle..........ok for get the first part ok...........thank you........I'll be back..........
    unless that gives you then creaps then maybe I won't be back....ok you know I am coming back don't you........good

  8. This parable is derived from one which is designed for mass control.

    When one monkey observes a whole mass riprimanded for actions, the monkey will police the mass action.

    5 monkeys are in a cage. A banana hangs from the ceiling of the cage. There are steps up to the banana.

    1 monkey goes for the banana and all the monkeys are sprayed with water.

    1 original monkey is removed and replaced with a new monkey.

    The new monkey sees the banana and having not suffered any consequences of action, starts up the steps.

    The original 4 monkeys in the cage attack the new monkey who is perplexed by their actions.

    A second original monkey is removed, and another new monkey is introduced. The new monkey sees the banana, and starts up the steps.

    The other new monkey and 3 original monkeys attack the new monkey who is perplexed by their actions.

    This goes on until there are 4 new monkeys who were never sprayed, but witnessed that you beat up monkeys if they start up the steps.

    The moral of the story is...beat up anyone who dirupts the Status Quo.

    Like a group of fat people telling a healthy person they look too skinny, or asking if they are "okay" when in fact the human body was never designed to store a surplus of obese fat deposits on its body.

    Society is so detoured from humanity that society now believes what it chooses IS the correct course of action for humanity rather than recognizing the pile-up that is occuring on the freeway.


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