Friday, May 3, 2013

Give Me 5 for Friday: Carnivals are Pure Evil

Unless you can sit in the beer tent all night, carnivals suck.  There, I said it. 

I'm not some party pooper who doesn't want my kids to have a good time.  I LOVE when my kids are having fun. 

I guess they had some fun at our church carnival this was just hard to see the fun through the tears, tantrums, and dollar bills steadily leaving my wallet. 

Here's the deal.  When you take your kids to the carnival, you just have to be mentally prepared for torture.  If you know it is going to take every ounce of your patience to get through it, maybe you can save up your strength through the day and be armed and ready to go.

Here are 5 reasons why carnivals are evil:

1.  Height restrictions.
I understand that there have to be height restrictions for rides to keep kids safe.  But it's super cool when the guy operating the ride has a homemade PVC pipe height limit thingamagiggy and they stand at the entrance of the line turning away kids that have already been waiting for a bit.  It is even cooler when your 4 year old waits in the line for the only ride she has talked about going on and gets turned away at the gate because she didn't make the cut and then she sits on the ground and cries.  SUPER AWESOME and SO FUN.

2.  Rides that have been in use for about 30 years.
You know that some of those carnival rides are the same ones you rode when you were 12.  Come on.  Like the Zipper?  That ride was making noises that came straight from the pits of hell.  I was totally waiting for one of the cages to open and send kids plummeting 2 stories to the ground.

The Zipper, clearly the same ride in 2013 as the one at my 8th grade school carnival in 1992.

3.   "Mom, you will have to go on this one with her."
Those are the words that I heard when my 4 year old was too short for the "Extreme".  So of course I got on.  Let me say, I am too old for that shit.  Although I LOVE rides (the bigger, the better), I don't like rides that whip you in circles around rusted axles that make you feel like you most certainly will be thrown into the crowd of carnival-goers.  I am TOO OLD for that shit.  I know too much.  I have seen the news.  I could imagine the headlines...
"Ride Malfunctions and throws Mom and 3 young girls into crowd of carnival-goers.  Many injured.  Authorities say ride had not been inspected since 1986."

The "Extreme"...better known as The Sizzler back in my day.

4.  "Reasonably" priced games and concessions.
Can you sense the sarcasm here? 
Honestly, I didn't have a problem spending some money because it was a carnival for our church.  My husband volunteered to work a night there and I made cookies for the bake sale.  I know that the church depends on this carnival to raise money.  I know that.  But I dropped $40 in two nights on ride tickets, over $20 on food, and more spent on raffles and games.  It's cool though.  My kids will be eating hot dogs and ramen noodles all next week for dinner. 

5.  Not a crowd pleaser.
Although the kids had fun at certain times of the night...there were many times when one or more were unhappy.  The big kids went on a ride, the 2 year old screamed.  The big kids went on the fun house, the 4 year old made it halfway through and started crying at the bridge because she thought it was going to break (I don't blame her).  She hauled ass all the way back to the entrance...which included going UP the slide and DOWN the rope wall.  Pretty impressive.  The older girls wanted snow cones, the 2 year old wanted funnel cake.  It turns out, apparently she thought she was getting birthday cake...because when she saw the funnel cake, saying was disappointed would be an understatement. 

Again, friends, I am NOT a party pooper.  I love rides.  I love the boardwalk at the beach.  We have taken the kids to Disney World 4 times.  It is just my personal opinion that carnivals are evil. 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 
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Disclaimer:  My kids are not some little spoiled brats that have tantrums in public when I don't indulge their every wish.  Alrighty?  So don't even go there.  The carnival brings it out in them, I swear.  That's why it's evil.  Oh, and I am also just trying to vent and have a laugh about it. 


  1. I'm telling you right now, the carnival that they hold here every year is staffed by former asylum inmates, meth addicts and sex offender parolees. These folks are SCARE-EEEEE!!!

    I agree with your assessment of the rides, like the Zipper, which as a kid was always one of my favorites. But today, I'm SURE that no one is building any NEW Zippers, so those are definitely the ones from my youth. In the same condition. Again, SCARE-EEEEE!!

  2. I went on the carnival ferris wheel with my 3 year old. It ended in tears and a tantrum... from me! I didn't realize it was so high up and have a recently developed fear of heights. It sucked!!! My 3 year old was a champ but I will NEVER go on a carnival ferris wheel ever again. Your post made me laugh. Thanks!


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