What NOT To Say To Someone Who Is Pregnant

My best friend is VERY pregnant.  She is due this Friday.  I am waiting anxiously for her to have this baby! But I was thinking back to last January when I was in the same boat and VERY pregnant with my third daughter.  There were some things that people would say that got on my last nerve.  Like I literally had ONE nerve left and it took very little to get on it.

So throughout the course of my 3 pregnancies, I would make mental notes of things NOT to say to other pregnant women.  Here are some of those things that I noted...

1.  Are you sure there is only ONE in there?
How about you shut the f$*k up.  That is what I would want to say to that one.
You see, I am short.  By no stretch of the imagination would I say that I was petite.  But I am 5'4" and I have a short torso.  I carried my babies very high and out to the front.  I also had bigger babies.  My largest was 9 lb 2 oz and the smallest was 8 lb 4 oz. 
So no, there are not two babies in there.  I am just extremely LARGE, but thanks for pointing that out.
UPDATED: As a matter of fact, don't mention anything about a pregnant woman's size...if you think she is enormous or even too small, just keep it to yourself.  Chances are that they are well aware of how they look and don't need your lame comments.

2.  Are you still here? 
I was asked this question at work with my oldest daughter several times a day near the last few weeks of my pregnancy.  I would just smile and say, "Yep, still here" through clenched teeth.  What I really wanted to say was, "No, you assclown, I am not still here.  This is all just an optical illusion that you have created in your mind.  Yes, I am still here.  When I am NOT still here, you will know it and then you can keep your dumb ass questions to yourself, mmkay? Thanks."

3.  Oh, I had the worst experience with (insert medical procedure here)!
I had c-sections.  THREE of them.  I did not need to hear about everyone else's horror stories.  Why would people feel the need to volunteer that info.  I just DO NOT get it. 
You don't need to tell a pregnant person how awful your labor was, how long you pushed, how they botched your epidural, how you tore, how they rushed you into an emergency c-section and scared the shit out of you.  All of that is fine to share if someone asks you about it.  That is key.  THEY ask YOU.  No need to share all the gory details with someone who is facing that same fate.

4.  You should (insert suggestion here) to try to get your labor started.
Listen, helpful tips are always great.  They really are.  But I think it is safe to say that someone who is 39+ weeks pregnant is ready to go.  They are done and they most likely want baby OUT.  Suggestions to walk, have sex (always great when you have so much pressure that it makes you feel like your are going to rip in half or pee yourself, or both), eat this or drink that.  All that shit is for the birds.  They probably already know what they need to do.  What really has to happen is that the baby needs to be ready and your body just needs to get the little bugger out.  Preferably ASAP.  All the other stuff might help...or it might just be a whole lotta nothing to waste time and add to the frustration.  Who knows.

5.  Sleep now while you can.
I just LOVED this one.  And by loved, I mean loathed.
Guess what?  You can't really sleep when you get that far along.  And if it's not your first child, you already know this.  You know that the baby is going to be up several times a night.  It is not rocket science.  Sleep just becomes a goal that you work towards.  Someday, one glorious day, you will be able to sleep again.  We don't need the reminders of how sleep deprived we are going to be.

So what do you think? Are there any things that people would say to you when you were pregnant that just got on you last ever loving nerve? Please feel free to share!!!