Wednesday, March 7, 2012

A Story About the Most Awesome, Annoying Party There Ever Was

I was watching Max and Ruby tonight, something that I have the privilege of doing more often then I would like.  I started to think about previous posts I have written about these horrible shows and I got an idea.  It was just about the best and worst idea that I have ever had.  What if I wrote a story?  This story would be about an awesome party.  The most awesome, annoying, f#$ked up party you could ever imagine.  Here it is.  I hope you enjoy.

The Most Annoying Party There Ever Was

It was almost spring. 

Ruby thought that it would be a great time of year to throw a party for all of her friends.  She spent days planning and preparing.  She sent Max out to get all of the supplies with his red wagon and barely enough money to get what he needed plus another dragon shirt to wear to the party.

Max went alone.  He does everything alone because Ruby basically gives him the shaft when something comes up, like Bunny Scouts or a day to hang with her bestie Louise.

Miraculously, Max returned with all the supplies.  It's amazing what he can do with his limited vocabulary.  But when you have to fend for yourself because your parents are god knows where, you learn how to get by.

It was time to party!

As Ruby got her punch ready, Max was planning a little treat of his own.  His famous mud pies.  Even if everyone else thinks they are grotesque, Max can always count on his drunken Grandma to play along with his antics.

The first guest to arrive was Olivia.  She was wearing her purple princess gown.  Of course she was.  That chick is always pulling sh*t like that.  She is such an attention seeking hog.

After Olivia, Dora made her appearance.  Olivia stood of in the corner and waited for someone else to come so she could gossip about Dora's shirt that she outgrew about 3 years ago.  I mean, can't Dora step it up for a party and wear a shirt that fits?

Diego popped in for a minute but then Baby Jaguar tried to take a bite out of Olivia's leg.  Diego decided it was best to head home...but was ticked off that people were upset with Baby Jaguar.  All those hypocrites probably love pork too.

DJ Lance was all set up to get the party started.  He announced that it was dancey-dance time.  But just as the music started, the speaker blew.

Well thank god that Handy Manny had just showed up!!! He got right to work (and by "he", I mean his tools).  The whole crowd cheered as Felipe tightened the last screw and the music blared.  Felipe was so happy.  Then he saw that they were all cheering for Manny.  Once again, that bastard took credit.  Typical.

DJ Lance got everyone on their feet.

The rest of the party pretty much went down like this...

Kai-lan spent the night trying to break up a fight between Tolee and Rin-too.  Finally, she called her grandfather to come get her.  Good thing he came, because he left with Ruby's Grandma's digits.  Not that Grandma will remember the next day because she spiked Ruby's punch with a little whiskey and helped herself to one too many.  Louise ended up taking Grandma home early and then catching the last bus home.

Caillou stopped in, complained and whined incessantly, and then headed home to hang with Rosie.  This crowd was too much for him to take.

The Wonder Pets chilled in the corner and snacked on celery.  They brought their own and tried to pair it with all the other food the Ruby prepared, which ticked Ruby off to no end.  They didn't stay late because Ming-Ming had an early appointment with his speech therapist.

Just when it started to die down, Ruby decided it was time to bring out the big guns.  She got everyone's attention and introduced the fabulous, wild and crazy Fresh Beat Band!  The crowd jumped to their feet.  The music started and out came...WTF? It was the Junior Beats.  Ruby was fuming.

The crowd cleared out. 

Mickey and Minnie, who came late as usual, had to drive Dora home.  She had hit the punch as well.  Problem was, she also lost Backpack.  Since she didn't have her map, she forgot where she lived.  After driving around for hours, Mickey was finally able to get her home.

Ruby spent the entire day following the party cleaning up Grandma's vomit, blood from Olivia's leg, and shards of celery. 

She even found Backpack.  And no wonder Dora was so lit, there were two empty bottles of Arbor Mist in there.

Ruby made a solemn swear to herself to never have a party again.

She even told Max to remind her of this if she ever gets the idea to have another one.  Max just smiled and walked away.  He thought to himself, "Sure Ruby, whatever.  B$*ch doesn't listen to a SINGLE WORD I say anyway."



  1. Holy shit! That was fucking great sister! Thanks for making me spit my beer out. At the bar.

  2. Just laughed my effing ass off. My son was just wearing Backpack. I will never look at Backpack again without thinking of Arbor Mist.

    "Ming-Ming had an early appointment with his speech therapist."- Quite possibly the most genius line ever written.

  3. Oh my goodness! Best thing ever! I loved it! You are the bestest person ever to have written this.

  4. oh no, it's like a prescholl nightmare...make it stop! and I "got" every single reference you made in this story...sad

  5. Omg!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot love this post anymore if I tried!!! This is my life in a blogshell. You are spectacular! xo

  6. You left out the part where Thomas the Tank Engine didn't show up because he was busy conspiring with the other engines about how to further control humans (since the people who supposedly drive them are obviously mindless drones). It's all part of a bigger plot to hypnotize little kids so their parents have little choice except to purchase ridiculously overpriced Thomas merchandise. Maybe I'll just write about that on my blog. Love your stuff!

  7. Too funny! I loved the part about Olivia wanting to gossip about Dora's shirt... Thanks for the laugh!

  8. Hysterical, Kate!!! Chippy delivers:-) Love you!

  9. I am SOOOO GLAD that you all liked it and got a laugh out of it;) Might have to work on another one someday...

  10. New follower here, and happy to be!

    MY GOD THIS WAS GENIUS!!!!!! Not to mention the fact, that as I was reading it, thinking how brilliant this story was, I was also listening to Olivia the pig on my t.v.
    My daughter had crawled in to my bed, grabbed the remote, and changed the channel.

    I swear every t.v. in this house caters to my 5 year old little girl.

    You are funny!

  11. Freaking awesome!!! You hit every show right on the head!!!! Looking forward to the sequel!!!

  12. Freaking awesome!!! You hit every show right on the head!!!! Looking forward to the sequel!!!

  13. Freaking awesome!!! You hit every show right on the head!!!! Looking forward to the sequel!!!

  14. Lol! My boys loved max and ruby as toddlers and I watched my fair share. They look good to me now though, compared to the crap they like like ben10 and power rangers. Visiting from the writing hop.

  15. THIS is brilliant! I can't tell you how many times my husband and I have run commentary during most of these kids shows. You pretty much nailed it. LOVE the creativity. :)


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