A letter to the Motherf*&#er that ransacked my van

On my way out to the first of 2 birthday parties yesterday, I was shocked to find my minivan had been ransacked.  We had been out on Friday night and I am not sure if we forgot to lock the doors or if they didn't lock because the seat belt on the driver's side was hanging down into the door.  Either way, I was pissed.  Then a few hours later, my sister in law sent me a text that her van had been ransacked as well.  WTF.  We live near each other, but probably at least 8 blocks away.  Damn, that jerk made a great deal of progress in one night. 

Here is a letter to the motherf*^&er that did it.  And a warning...this contains curse words.  If you don't like that sort of thing (but who doesn't?), then maybe stop reading here.


Dear low life asshole piece of shit that ransacked my mom mobile,

You suck.

I hope you were pissed to find NOTHING of value except some spare change in the cup holder.  I'm glad you took it, because obviously you really needed it.  But you left some pennies in the other cup holder, maybe because there was a melted piece of chocolate gluing them all together.  Whatever.  You should have just taken that too.  It would have saved me the trouble of cleaning it out.

Oh, and you also could have taken all the Disney DVDs.  I am sick of watching, or actually listening, to that crap...especially the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse one. 

Next time you come looking for valuables and what not (although I can assure you that my van will continued to be littered with trash, sippy cups, juice boxes, DVDs, toys, and pillow pets), I am going to have some surprises for your lame ass.

Hmmmm, what will there be?  Maybe some hissing cockroaches or fire ants in the glove compartment?
Some mouse traps under the seats?  A fake dead rat in the sunglasses holder?  A creepy ass clown mask in the center console?  The possibilities are endless.

Until then, I will be watching...and waiting for you, motherf%&*er.